Taking a step back and trying to control my fear

 I've been so upset this past week but I have decided, I am not going to continue to worry. Trump is rushing through the nomination process for his Supreme Court Justice, and I understand that his nominee was announced today. I do not want to think about it. I will worry about what is within my power to address. We can resist, we can protest, we can march, we can sign petitions, we can call our senators, we can do many things, but this process will probably be pushed through by the Republicans. I need to get on with life.

Today was Friday, a rest day for me. I wanted to go and do something, and I did. I got up early and, instead of exercising as I should have done, I instead prepared my cameras and drove to Sherman Library and Botanical Garden in south Orange County. They are supposed to have a magnificent, if small, garden there, and I was eager to explore it. I arrived and was not disappointed.

I will write more about that trip when I have photos to post. I ended up taking many cellphone photos, four sheets of color slides and six sheets of Rollei Infrared negatives in 4x5. I also took almost an entire roll of 120 with my Fuji GW690ii. I needed one more shot to finish off the roll, but I also didn't want to waste it, and by then, at 12:30 p.m., the garden was getting crowded. I would have to work to find a composition without people.

At home this evening, I unloaded my sheets of film and got them ready for any future trip (I am planning on going to the Botanical Garden in San Diego in the next few days). I then loaded the developing reel and processed my Rollei IR sheets. They are currently drying.

In the meantime, these are the Rollei shots that I took with a 120 roll at the South Coast Botanical garden last week. I had dropped off the film at the lab in Irvine and picked it up today. I scanned them and obtained a few pleasing shots. I would say, out of 8 shots, I think three are very good. Once again, these are scans with my Epson V600.

I had been wandering around the garden for quite some time, and I wondered if these trees would light up in infrared. They didn't. Now I know, as they say, there is leafy vegetation that really works well in IR, and there is that which doesn't.

There were plenty of rest areas in the garden, and this was actually a space where I think I loaded the Rollei film. I then got up and moved away and framed this shot. I like this composition, I think it actually worked well. 

There was a beautiful rose garden. I thought these trees would reflect the IR wavelength and light up, but they didn't. I was not shooting into the sun, look at where the shadows point, they point away from me. It was an unsuccessful composition.

I love this composition. This is why I love this film so much and had to buy more boxes of sheet film today after I picked up this developed roll. I love the potential, I just have to be more careful with composition and try to frame them with objects that reflect and don't reflect IR light. 

A gazebo that worked somewhat well. The sky, by the way, was very noisy when I magnified it. It is filled with artifacts. 

I don't know why I was obtaining this flare. The film door might have been slightly loose at this point. I am noticing that about my Fuji GW690ii camera.This was taken at the desert portion of the botanical garden. I love to frame these cacti.

This is in an open area by the side of the exit gate. The colors for the trees were very beautiful, I hope my slides will show them off when I get them back. Once again, there is a problem with flare. I loved the IR look, flare or no flare.

This is a children's garden display near the entranceway. It was whimsical, and so I had to try it. I am glad I did. I loved this shot as well. 

That was it, I had this roll of Rollei Infrared 120 film developed at the lab. I have loved my sheet film too, and have sheets from today's visit to the Sherman botanical garden, but they are drying in the bathroom. Tomorrow they should be dry and I should be able to scan them. As I mentioned above, I love this Rollei film, and I had to go to Freestyle to buy two more boxes of 4x5 film. I have three complete boxes now, because I have already gone through almost all the 25 sheets in my first box. That means I have about 80 exposures left, if I count what I have loaded in my film holders. I look forward to using them at other locations, and hope to make a trip to northern California later in October. 

Like Bobby McFerrin sang three decades ago, "Don't worry, be happy". Don't worry about what is happening in Washington. It is bad, but we will live through it. Don't torture yourself about it. Be kind to yourself. 

Two more from Heritage Park

 Last ones from Heritage Park. I have not corrected the orientation (i.e. flipped them), but I will upload here to have a complete record. They actually look very good in the full 4x5 size. I can't wait to scan them again when I receive my Pixl-latr. These are, as always, partial scans with my Epson V600. These were taken with HP5+ film. There is no violet anti-halation smear in the back the way I obtain with my Arista 200 film. I love the clean look of these photos, especially the first one.

Yes, I see it, there is a hair on the lower right-hand edge. I will have to see if I can remove it the next time I scan this. The windmill at Heritage Park, but with a satellite dish on top.

And the house surrounded by cacti on the other edge of the park. I have to work harder to frame this correctly. I tried a lower vantage point to try to hide the open area in front of the house, but it didn't work. Nonetheless, in full size this negative looks great.

These were taken, once again, with my Travelwide 4x5 camera. I want so desperately to be able to take them with the 8x10 camera I want to purchase from the designer in Norway, but I have received no update. He is supposed to be still perfecting his design, but instead, I saw he posted today that he had perfected a design for an 8x10 developing tube. So, the Willtravel 8x10 has gone by the wayside. If so, no worries. I will buy the Super Angulon 121mm f8 lens and find a way to mount it on my pinhole camera. Trouble is, the front is aluminum, so I don't know how I will cut through that, but I'll find a way, even if I have to go to a machinist shop. I will have to start relying only on myself. There are other 8x10 point and shoot camera options out there, such as the Fotoman ($3,000) or the Alvandi ($2,000), which are out of my league. In that case, I might as well just buy the Intrepid Mark IV. Not point and shoot, though. That is why I am holding off on buying the lens. 

It is getting dark outside. It is 6:50 p.m., and tomorrow is my weekly Armaggedon. Two Zoom classes await me tomorrow. 

Descanso in IR

As described before, I visited Descanso Gardens on Monday, Sept. 21st. I also took some sheets of Rollei Infrared 4x5 film with me, and I shot four exposures. (I also have a roll of 120 IR film taken with JCH Streetpan film.) I am getting a feel for the Rollei film.

There is a massive fire in the Angeles Crest mountains. This fire at times looked like something out of Mordor, with an angry Sauron look to it in the fiery red interior. It looks terrible. I am noticing that the foreground is very out of focus. I think I will try shooting at f22 in the future and focusing more closely, not at infinity, when using this film.

Another view of the area around the mountains. The trees all look skeletal, i.e., washed in infrared light. I love how dramatically the mountains are highlighted.

This is a big structure that is located near the entranceway. These had beautiful flowers, and I knew I had to try an infrared photo. Maybe I should have chosen a different composition.

This photo just didn't turn out, it was very blurry. I didn't focus correctly, I think that the trick with infrared, if I recall from my experience in the 90s with Kodak HIE, is that you have to focus closer than the subjects are located. I also chopped off the top, I think I did not replace the dark slide all the way, so it was lost. It might have been a great composition. I will try it again in the future.

That was it. I still have my roll of JCH Streetpan shot as infrared that I have to get developed. Then, I need to definitely buy more infrared film. Today (or was it yesterday?) is the first day of autumn. The sunlight will not be with us forever, it will wane, so this is infrared season. I have one unopened box left (25 exposures), and I want to visit more areas, plus return to the garden at Claremont. I would also love to try infrared photos at my campus, if the detectives will leave me alone (to refer to the Elvis Costello song I referenced in a prior entry).

These past two days have been very troubling. My 7 year old niece has been having panic attacks, and she has been complaining about not being able to breathe. Yesterday night she actually three herself on the floor and pounded it with her hand, screaming that she didn't want to die. I was afraid her lungs might have filled up and that she might have Covid. They had to take her to the hospital, with my sister crying (but trying to control herself). They conducted the tests, and she was negative. They x-rayed her lungs, and they are fine. They had to interview her as well, and they said that my niece is having panic attacks, and that she should go in for observation to another hospital. They said she might not be in a tranquil environment at home, that is, that we might be making her anxious. My niece said she gets nervous because she hears us talking about the virus and she thinks she will die. I am so sorry she heard us talking about what is happening in the world right now. She has the same anxiety that we all have in my family, although she has nothing to distract her from it. She can't play with her cousins or other children, she has no activity, etc. At least I have photography.

Stream of consciousness

I went to buy Rollei Infrared film to Santa Fe Springs last Friday, Sept. 18th, and of course, whenever I go, I have to visit nearby Heritage Park. I actually was going with the intention of photographing the Clarke Estate, which according to wrong information on the web, was supposed to be open for a few hours that Friday. It wasn't, it was closed and had been closed for months. The city authorities are not updating their site, and the same happened with the Fullerton Arboretum I tried to visit a few weeks ago.

No matter, Heritage Park gives me peace and a variety of photographic subjects. In this case, I finally ventured down into the Tongva Indian area which recreates a dwelling they might have used (before they were assuredly massacred by white settlers). There is also a stream there, and I set up my 8x10 pinhole camera (f500) to take an image with Arista 200 film.

It would be a long exposure, I knew that. The scene had much shade, and it was by no means being evenly lit up by the sun. I knew that my standard 2-3 minutes would be no good, so I gave it ten minutes of exposure while I wandered around the area. There were almost no other people there, a few in other areas, but I guess they respected me while I was taking the photo. Only a few people passed through while I tried to monitor my big camera. Fortunately, there was little wind or breeze either, and so, there was no shake to the camera.

This is the exposure I obtained. I think it was adequate, now I am getting a feel for the times necessary for using this 8x10 pinhole camera. The only thing is, the image is too blurry, even more than is acceptable for a pinhole image. I want sharper images, and more convenient times for exposures so that I don't have to be waiting for ten minutes. 

Looking for a rest at Descanso Gardens

 Here are a few cellphone photos of my trip to Descanso Gardens in La Cañada / Flintridge, in northern Los Angeles county. I went on Monday, Sept. 21st. I remember decades ago that a friend had told me about this garden, and I should have gone back then. It was always a dream deferred until now that I am desperately looking for peace in these troubling times.

I loved my visit, but I have to say, it was more modest that other gardens I had visited. It was still immensely pleasing. It isn't the size, it is the atmosphere, although on that day, there was a big billowing fire cloud in the nearby mountains. This garden is located close to the Angeles Crest Highway, which is the entryway to the mountains, and there is a stubborn fire that continues to burn.

Japanese Garden at the Huntington Library

 I thought I would include one more photo. This is the Japanese Garden at the Huntington Library in San Marino, CA. It was taken with Arista 200 film, and once again, I had that green halogen layer smear that turns violet after washing. It doesn't go away, it is a long streak in the middle, and it lightens that area when it is scanned, so what I get is a ruined images. After having developed the Rollei 400 infrared negatives and the HP5+ negatives in that same development reel, and not getting these smears, it is pretty obvious to me that it is the film. I don't even want to use the rest of those exposures. 

Basically the shots are ruined. I have the long light streak in the middle which is very obvious. 

I will buy a box of the Fomapan 100 film, maybe it will be better. It is supposed to be the same film, what is what many people say on the web, but it costs more. Maybe quality control is better. I cannot afford to switch entirely to HP5+, that film is expensive. So, I will try the Fomapan. Oh, and I do want another two boxes of Rollei IR film. There goes all my money.

As they say, buy film and stay poor. 

IR reflects my mood

The death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Friday was a deep blow. I went to sleep filled with anxiety, and woke up on Saturday and it still troubled me greatly. Of course, I knew that the Republicans were going to go ahead and try to ram through a conservative judge, I knew it, they've been planning on taking over the Supreme Court as well and McConnell has proven himself over and over to be a deeply hypocritical and unscrupulous leader. They will find a deeply conservative female judge, preferably blonde a la Fox New anchors, and they will try to ram her through. I just hope there are enough principled Republicans to resist this effort, given that in 2016, they hypocritically bought into McConnell's rationale that they could not replace a Supreme Court justice during an election year because the electorate needed to have a chance to express their vote. 

Well, I didn't do much of anything on Saturday. I hung around the house and did some housekeeping. I wanted to go out somewhere, but realistically, when we have nice weather, and we have millions and millions of southern Californians utterly fed up with the pandemic which is going nowhere, and are tired of staying at home, and many are not even wearing facemasks anymore while the death toll climbs above 200,000 (over 14,000 here in California alone), I knew it would be crowded. I knew people would be on the roads going to the usual places, going to the mountains (although the Angeles Forest is closed for hiking, but the mountain resorts are not), and to the beaches, of course the lines would be very, very long for the beaches. When one drives on the freeway it hardly even seems as if we are in a pandemic, people want to go out and pretend it doesn't exist. The freeways seem as crowded as ever (and I realize that this is in part my fault because I was going out on Friday and saw this). 

Many people are working from home (I am), so why the crowded roads? And what is worse, people are filled with an aggression I've never seen before. The pandemic has not made them more thoughtful or considerate, it has brought out the evil egotistical streak that Trump has cultivated and fed during his misbegotten four years in office. People feel entitled to everything, and one can't even count on them to cover their mouths when out in public, as I have found over and over again when I go out to exercise and people are cycling or jogging or walking right next to me, maskless, sending me into a panic.

Right now it is 8:03 a.m. on Sunday, and I've already had breakfast. I should be going out to walk, I haven't done so in a week (although I have walked plenty at the botanical gardens I have visited). I should, but I am putting it off for now. It will be a hot day today, so now is the time.

Yesterday I was very eager to try some more IR photos, and when it reached 3 p.m., I thought, it is now or never. I loaded up some film holders and took my trusty Travelwide 4x5 camera and drove to downtown Riverside. The traffic was not good, I should add. Too much of it.

I arrived and downtown Riverside around the courthouse is almost empty (as usual). It is not known for being bustling, the shops are nondescript and they basically cater to those who are carrying out court business, such as the unlucky droves who are forced to report for jury duty. I know, I know, it is part of our civic duty, and a society only runs when we carry out our responsibilities as citizens, but it is never a pleasant duty. Well, I was going to photograph.

                                                

This was the first shot I took. I used a shutter speed of 1/30, but given the thinness of the negatives, I think I need to go back to using 1/15th. It is of a downtown plaza next to the courthouse. I thought those trees to the left would pick up more of the IR look, but they didn't. The tree to the right that you can barely see did pick it up. I should have framed the photo better, but then, the complete 4x5 photo is a much better composition. Hopefully, when I received the device known as the Pixl-lator (a device with a diffusor that allows us to scan different formats of film), I will be able to scan complete 4x5 negatives. This plaza area was almost deserted except for a homeless woman off to the side who was grumbling. Many homeless people camp out here.

                                   

I returned to take a photo of the courthouse. It was probably not the best time to do so. The two trees to the left are orange trees, and they have lost much of their fruit by now. The shady area to the right is just a formless blob that I should have avoided, it was not lit up by the sun. I love this building and have never been inside. 

Next I drove to the other side of Mt. Rubidoux, to the dog park. I wanted to photograph this open area because of all the trees. This is not the area where the dog park is located, this is the area which is much more solitary, when you cross the street and approach this undeveloped tract of land next to the riverbed (which is dry). As I arrived, I saw two tattooed Hispanic men walking towards me, and I didn't feel comfortable. I had to edge back to the street hoping to run if they approached me, but they went to the dirt lot where their cars were parked and left. This area is a homeless city, so to speak. Many, many homeless people camp out here, in all seasons. We have an invisible city of homeless people, I would venture to say into the thousands. I didn't frame any of their tents, but if one walks about, one can see them. If they see you taking photos, they call out insults to you, such as one did to me, calling me an "A**hole". 

This last one was more troublesome. I returned to the dog park and decided to try to frame a photo with Mt. Rubidoux. This was not the best vantage point, I should have walked over the traffic bride, I would have gotten more foilage being illuminated. But I tried this shot. I think I will retry, but not this one, instead, the other one. As I was taking the photo a car drove by me and someone threw a bottle in my direction. It crashed on the road (it didn't hit me, thankfully enough) and splintered into pieces. They just drove on peacefully. I have found on several occasions that fellow Latinos hate to see someone such as myself with a big camera taking photos. It isn't the first time I have been called names or had something thrown at me. And always, it is working class Latinos.

That is it, I went to try to get a photo of the fields next to Limonite Avenue but they had been cut down. The illumination on the mountains was not good in any case. So, I drove home and developed these negatives, and this morning, I scanned them. 

I've been thinking, I can't spend my life worrying. I know we have a terrible situation in Washington, but I have to move forward. I think I will go for that walk after all.