Life's turns

It's been a hard day. My mom walked greeted me this morning with the word that my cousins had been asked by hospital representatives whether they should take extraordinary steps to revive my aunt Socorro. She has been in the hospital undergoing what were supposed to be ongoing tests to supposedly gauge the extent of the spread of tuberculosis in her body. This was, then, a turn for the worse. We were all hoping she would obtain standard treatment and hopefully be released, and were relieved when she didn't have to undergo what was supposed to be an emergency operation for, what we were told back then, to treat a tumor in her intestines. Now, it was supposed to be tuberculosis. Still, that didn't change the worry we felt, because she had not been in touch with us for the past few weeks, was refusing to take my mom's daily phone calls. Something was not right.

Just an hour later, my mom had a phone call with my sister, and the news was worse, so much worse. They said that my aunt had supposedly passed away. She was "morada", which means, she had turned a dark color. My mom was crying, and to tell the truth, I could not digest the news. I still can't. It is lurking around me, but I refuse to let it in. I am trying to refuse this news, but at the same time, I have this sense of loss that I know will pounce on me eventually. I can't believe it, another family member lost, my dad's only sister, the sister he adored and for whom he was so protective. Another part of my father is leaving us.

I am not sure what we will do. We still have not had the official confirmation, but if my sister gave my mom the news, it is because she received it from a cousin who is in direct contact with the hospital. So, I keep hoping she revived, but something also tells me, this was it. My aunt was so frail, she had been complaining about a pain that didn't let her sleep, she had wanted so desperately to see a doctor but, of course, with Covid, it was easy for her doctors, the revolving cast of anonymous doctors who are provided by her SCAN plan, to not attend to her. And, it hurts to say this, her family, my cousins, did not pay attention to her, and did not consider her predicament serious enough. They thought she was exaggerating, the way we thought the same with my father. So, the same thing happened to my aunt as happened to my father, they were sick for many months (in my dad's case, for almost two years), and they go in for tests at the hospital, and they are not allowed to leave, and they pass away there. It was not right. 

Looking for acceptance, I am trying to keep busy. This news will weigh on me more fully at another time. I feel we have barely emerged from the trauma of my father's passing last year, and I can't leap back into that black hole. I feel I am being selfish, but by the same token, I can't let up, we have to be protective of my mom. She is what is left for us. Our entire family needs her, and we have to get through this loss of my tía Socorro.